Domestic violence is also known as domestic abuse or family violence
Domestic violence is when someone in your family or household hurts you or another person of the household. It’s not just about hitting or physical pain; it can also include yelling, threats, name-calling, controlling behaviour or not letting someone feel safe at home.
Domestic violence can happen between parents, partners or other family members, including young people and children. It can also happen to children or young people in the home.
Although we often hear about domestic violence happening between adults, young people can be affected by the violence and abuse they may see and hear. They may also be hurt, bullied or threatened as part of domestic violence between adults. No matter who it’s happening to, it’s never OK, and it’s not your fault.
What Domestic Violence Can Look Like
Types of domestic violence
When we hear about domestic violence, we think about physical harm, but it can take many forms. Here are some of the main ones:
- Physical abuse, like hitting, slapping, pushing or throwing things and using weapons
- Verbal abuse, such as yelling, threatening or making someone feel scared or worthless
- Emotional abuse, including humiliation, manipulation, excessive criticising and gaslighting
- Sexual abuse, such as touching someone sexually without permission
- Neglect, such as not giving a child the care or food they need
- Financial abuse, such as controlling, using or managing finances to prevent someone from leaving or supporting themselves
Unfortunately, there are just too many examples to list. If you are unsure of whether what you are experiencing is a form of abuse, reach out to a trusted adult to discuss it.
Common misconceptions about domestic violence
While there is no single, universal reaction to domestic violence, there are some common misconceptions that people being abused might think or feel. Here are just a few of them:
| Misconception | Reality |
|---|---|
| You are to blame for the abuse | It is never your fault. Abuse is never an acceptable punishment for any kind of behaviour, so it cannot be your fault. |
| You should try harder to make it stop | You cannot control other people’s actions – remember that they are the ones who are choosing to act with violence, so they are the ones who should be trying harder to stop. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to it — and the best response is to talk to someone who can help. |
| No one will believe you | There are safe, trusted adults all around who are dedicated to listening to you and helping you, such as counsellors, teachers and social workers. Your safety and well-being are extremely important to them, and they will take claims of domestic abuse seriously. |
| If you seek help, you will get into trouble | You will not get into trouble for what someone else has done to you. If you are worried about what will happen if your family finds out you spoke out, you can always ask not to be identified as the source of information. Trusted adults will often understand your concern. |
| If you get help, you will break up your family | It takes a lot of courage to talk about abuse, and it’s completely understandable to be afraid of breaking up your family. But you should know that when someone intentionally harms another family member, they cross a line and create an unsafe environment for the whole family. If this violence continued, it could have long-lasting, damaging impacts on the mental, physical, and emotional health of you and your entire family. That’s why families who are experiencing domestic violence are sometimes separated: to protect them from further harm. Your safety and well-being — and the safety and well-being of your loved ones — will always be more important than being together. By seeking help, you are doing the right thing and taking care of everyone in your family who might be victim to this violence. If you are afraid that you would be unable to handle such a separation, consider talking to a counsellor. It might help you work through these feelings. |
| How It Can Make You Feel |
|---|
| Living in a home where there is violence can make you feel: |
| • Scared or anxious |
| • Angry, confused, or sad |
| • Cautious, as if you’re walking on eggshells all the time |
| • Guilty, as though it’s your job to keep the peace |
| • Worried about your safety or the safety of someone you love |
| You might even try to hide what’s happening from friends or teachers. But you don’t have to deal with it on your own. |
| Short- and Long-term Impacts on Teenage Development |
|---|
| Violent or abusive relationships can have both short- and long-term effects on a developing teenager. Young people who have been abused may: |
| • Feel anxious, depressed, or angry |
| • Experience low self-esteem, trouble sleeping, and an aversion to social situations or home |
| • Have difficulty concentrating or do worse at school |
| • Be wary of adults, find it hard to trust people, and have problems forming relationships |
| • Engage in unhealthy behaviours like smoking, drinking, and using drugs |
| • Have suicidal thoughts or harm themselves |
| • Display aggressive behaviours and have flashbacks to violent incidents |
What You Can Do
If you’re experiencing domestic violence — or if you’re worried about someone else who might be — it’s really important to talk to a safe and trusted adult. This is someone that you can come to if you feel hurt or in danger. It could be a teacher, school counsellor, family member or any other adult that you trust and feel safe around.
You’re not alone, it’s not your fault and it’s OK to ask for help. Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own home. [CTA/TBD]
Discipline Versus Abuse
Sometimes, people who are being abused might brush it off it as just being disciplined. And sometimes, people who are being disciplined might wonder if they are being abused. There are clear differences between the two.
Abuse actively aims to hurt or humiliate you through physically violent or emotionally hurtful behaviour.
Discipline, on the other hand, is not intended to harm or humiliate. Instead, its goal is to fairly teach you the consequences of poor behaviour by connecting your actions with related consequences.
For example, say you did something unsafe while out with friends. To discipline you, your parents might ground you to stop you from going out and doing it again.
If your grades were low, your parents might limit the time you could spend on your devices each night, to try and get you to focus more on school. This would be a disciplinary reaction to your behaviour.
Both of these punishments might feel unfair to you, but you can see how the punishment is directly connected with the action.
But if the response to those unsafe actions or poor grades was to physically hurt you or call you stupid, this would be considered abuse. These punishments have no connection to your behaviour and do nothing to help change it — they are just meant to make you afraid and exercise power over you.
Remember: If you think someone might be abusing you but aren’t sure, ask a safe adult that you trust. They can often tell you whether the actions are abusive or disciplinary and decide on next steps with you.
